Ask Knudsen
May 1st, 2007 by Glenn
Stephen Erastus Knudesn III has the uncanny ability to provide exactly the right answer to any question at exactly the right time. He claims it is one of his spiritual gifts (I have a few other ideas). But he has asked me to provide him this space where well-meaning brothers and sisters of the church can ask Elder Knudsen anything and everything they have always wanted to know. So if you have a question, by all means, ask it here.
I stumbled onto this webdsite– was it a coincience? and found here what I’ve been hoping for a very long time– someone who will tell it like it IS in a manner unafraid– I want to thank you Steven for your wisdom and courage in sharing it– I wil continue to read and be inspired!
Thanks mom.
Brother Stephen,
Allow me to humbly thank you for allowing us to partake of your wisdom. Now, to my concern. I have always been troubled by the little-known doctrine of plural pets. It is mentioned briefly in the PBS documentary “The Mormons.” Many Mormons will be disturbed to know that Joseph Smith had multiple cats. He even adopted cats that already had owners, sometimes when the owners were away on missions. His original cat, of course, hated this. She may even have pushed one of the other cats down the stairs when she caught Joseph feeding her the Smith family catnip. Why did this happen? What does it mean? Please help me undertsand this. My testimony hangs in the balance.
Dear Brother Costanza,
It is I who am humbled by the opportunity to impart my great wisdom to you. Be assured that your frail and imperfect testimony is in good hands.
As to your first point regarding the plurality of pets, let me put your mind at ease. This is a clearly defined doctrine with parallels in many other clearly defined doctrines within the Church. Perhaps if you could hearken back to your days in Deacon, Teacher, or Priest Quorum, you would remember your bishop explaining it to you very clearly, as my bishop clearly explained it to me.
There are, in the following order, three distinct kinds of pets, namely: regular pets, heavy pets, and very heavy pets. If my recollection is correct, and my recollection is always correct, the distinction is as follows:
1) above the beltline over clothes (regular pets),
2) above the beltline under clothes /or/ below the beltline over clothes (heavy pets)
3) below the beltline under clothes (very heavy pets).
After much fasting and prudent pondering on this subject, I have concluded that the first must be akin to the glory of the stars, the second to the glory of the moon, and the third to the glory of the sun (If, as the Spirit whispers to me, it is done right — although I really do not know what that means). Someday I hope to know this truth of assurity, as I know so many truths of assurity, but until then I will just have to rely on faith to know that the truthfulness of this truth is true.
In regards to your second point on Joseph Smith, I believe that the PBS documentary was incorrect. It was actually birds, not cats, and it should be remembered that these birds belonged to Joseph in the pre-mortal existence so they were his by divine decree regardless of any person’s previous claim to ownership.
It should also be remembered that the great prophet Noah (not to be confused with the wicked king) had an entire ark full of birds, and cats, and all other manner of flying and creeping thing (as opposed to the wicked king, who, instead of animals, kept concubines).
And finally, do not forget that the Holy Ghost frequently takes the form of a dove (a dove is a kind of bird – it is usually white), and doves are a symbol for peace, and a recent best-selling book in Mormonism is called the Peacegiver, and Mormonism was founded by Joseph Smith, who was generally a peacegiving person and was frequently comforted by the Holy Ghost, so you can see how everything fits together.
It is my sincere hope that this will restore balance to your faith. Nevertheless, as you are most likely to struggle again, I am always here if you need me.
Brother Knudsen,
What a gosh send! Did Adam have a belly button?
Good to hear from you again Brother Steed. I knew a boy named gosh once. He drew beautiful pictures of different kinds of fruit in all kinds of rainbow colors. Maybe you know him.
Regarding Adam and his navel, the short answer is yes. God made man in his own image, and although I mostly averted my eyes while attending to my personal cleanliness at the MTC (which I did both morning and night in order to be next to Godliness), I did notice that navels were quite prevalent. Perhaps a more fitting question would be whether or not Eve had a belly button, as the scripture speaks of God using His divine image for man, but is completely silent as to why Eve’s body became so mis-shapened and deficient. Perhaps I will make this a new topic of prayer and fastidious study. I hope this addresses your concern.
Brother Knudsen,
Thank you for the quick response. I agree that the question of Eve’s navel is a puzzeling one. As I understand them, belly buttons are essentially scars left over from birth. Since Adam was not born, per se, I assu,ed he didn’t have a belly button. But, since I don’t yet have a testimony on that subject, I will lean on your ample arm. I have two additional, unrelated questions.
1. If I happen to be in a land where there is not a chapel located in the vicinity is it better that I don’t attend church at all and instead sit at home and read my scriptures, or attend the local mass?
2. Are people of Asian decent members of the lost tribes of Israel?
Thank you again for your time and attention.
Brother Steed,
1. What a wonderful missionary experience for you! To be in a land where there is no chapel is to be blessed with a sharpened sickle in a field white and ready to harvest! Please, avoid the local mass (I hope you were just joking) as you would any other den of iniquity (however, if you are forced to go, do not partake of their communion as it will have eternal consequences on your soul!). But what I really have to say to you is go out and proclaim the word! Support the local missionaries with more referrals than they can handle and build a congregation. If you are especially diligent, you may even be called to be the new bishop! If not, at least you can rest (as if a righteous brother can ever really rest) in the knowledge that at least one of your new converts will someday be a stake president in a BS area where there was not even a chapel (BS = Before Steed).
2. That is a difficult question, but, fittingly, also a very impotant one. It is common knowledge that decent Asians make up about 1/12th of the world’s entire population — and as everyone knows, there were originally 12 tribes — so yes, I would say there is a very good chance that they are at least one of the lost tribes. But lest we become complacent and shirk our responsibilities, it must be remembered that ALL of the world is lost until they receive our gospel message, so again I would encourage you to thrust in the sickle with all your might. Put your shoulder to the wheel. Many are called, but few are chosen and the worth of a soul is great! Sure, there must be opposition in all things, but endure to the end and hold fast to the iron rod. He never said it would be easy, he only said it would be worth it.
I received the following email this past week and would like your comment on it:
I found this very interesting because I have had feelings of urgency lately concerning preparedness. Maybe we all need to re-think our priorities!!
Also, I have a good friend whose daughter recently married into the Packer family. She told me that yes, they have been preparing BIG TIME!!
From the wife of Boyd K. Packer’s grandson:
The Packer family has two family reunions each year, one in July and one in December.
July 4, 2006 - Pres. Packer gave counsel to his family as the patriarch to get their storage and preparedness items. He said, “The next step is to prepare to leave our homes if necessary.”
From the wife of Pres. Packer’s son: December, 2006 - Pres. Packer counseled his family to “Get prepared now. There is something serious coming very soon.”
Adult session Saturday night of Stake Conference in Holladay, Oct.2006:
Pres. Packer opened the meeting up for questions and answers. One brother asked him to comment on why there had been no talks on preparedness at Pres. Hinckley has told the brethren not to speak on preparedness anymore. We have been counseled on it for more than a 100 years. “Now the Lord will preach His own sermons.”
Leadership meeting of a South Jordan Stake Conference, Sept 1,2006:
Presiding Bishop David Burton: Keep your eye on the Prophet. Being self-reliant has always been part of the church. Statistics show that no matter what the Church does, no higher percentage than 15% have storage. We are not going to say any more, but our people are going to need to be prepared. For example, what if somebody released a virus? What if it caused a pandemic? What if that led to quarantine? What if the quarantine was enforced? The office of the presiding bishopric has tried to come up with a plan, but we know what we could do. The responsibility lies with the head of each family. Stake conference, Elk Ridge Stake, August 2006, Elder Woods: The time of preparation is past; now is the time of consummation.
Stake Conference, Mapleton, January 2007, Elder Edgely of the Presiding Bishopric:
1. Store water
2. Store 1 month supply of “comfort food”
3. Store at least one year’s supply of food
4. Have emergency cash on hand (2 - 4 weeks’ salary)
DO IT NOW
From Roger K. Young, Feb. 28, 2007:
Things are happening and they aren’t good. Again, my opinion is worth about “0”, but I believe that things are prepared to turn very, very ugly unbelievably fast. When it happens, it can be like a car wreck. Everything is fine until all of a sudden a drunk driver comes from nowhere and hits you, a multi-car derby happens and then the world you know has changed in a matter of seconds. Things are speeding up. This “change” could happen any time. That Gadiantons are on the move, big-time, and are about ready to spring a few surprises. Everything we’ve been talking about appears to be in process of happening. The calm before the storm is about over. I pray that we will have more time, even four more years. But I don’t see how that is possible unless absolute miracles happen. We must live like it is many years away, but prepare as if it is tomorrow. I am retiring from warning others to prepare and from being high profile to concentrate on preparing myself and my family. I am doing this after much fasting and prayer.
Bishop Edgley’s comments at the Stake Conference a few weeks ago are critical.
PREPARE, PREPARE, PREPARE, PREPARE . . TEMPLE, TEMPLE, TEMPLE, TEMPLE . . PRAY AND LISTEN, PRAY AND LISTEN, PRAY AND LISTEN, PRAY AND LISTEN.
FOLLOW THE PROPHET, FOLLOW THE PROPHET, FOLLOW THE PROPHET, FOLLOW THE PROPHET.
What more can I say?
Brother Lee,
I must admit that I am struggling to find the proper response. After reading your post a response came immediately to my mind. But – as always – I knelt in careful prayer before typing, and as I sat down to compse, my mind went completely blank, which is a very rare experience for me. So I am sitting here struggling. I almost think it would be best to…. wait a minute, I remember what it was:
While I appreciate that you would bring this matter to my attention, and to the attention of those who frequent this section of the blog in search of further enlightenment and instruction, I must censure you for going against the will of the Prophet and the chosen Leaders of this church. In fact, I am very close to deleting your message completely as it clearly violates the Brethren’s divine wishes. We HAVE been warned for over 100 years, the Gadiantons ARE on the move and it is time to STOP pandering to the weak. It is time to let the slothful 85% grasshoppers get what is coming to them (it is 85%, right? - You sound like you are just naturally better at math than me).
However, as I am reminded that my mission in life is to provide an exemplarily example for all around me, I have decided to not delete your message and use it instead to humbly explain how I have met and exceeded the prophetic warnings lo these many years. Thus I will reveal the secrets of my personal emergency preparedness:
• Wheat Flour, 450 lbs
• Corn Meal, 60lbs
• Rice, 125lbs
• Pasta, 60lbs
• Assorted Legumes, (120 lbs)
• Honey, 5lbs
• Honey-bees, 12 waterproof hives (pre-waxed for submersion)
• Pure Sugar, 100 lbs
• Brown Sugar, 0 lbs (due to its lack of nutritional value in the pre-existance)
• Mola**es, 5lbs
• Fruit Drink, 100-140 packets, (flavor: mountain blast )
• Flavored Gelatin, 2000 lbs (lime)
• Milk products, 0 lbs (lactose intolerant)
• Salt, 15 lbs
• Pepper, 0 lbs (see: brown sugar)
• Vinegar, 25 gal
• Sponges/Spears, qty-1
• Dehydrated water, 40,000 gallons (which, as you may have already calculated, is more than 20-years-worth, and I got it at mere pennies a gallon – I made off like a righteous bandit on that deal!)
• relief society cook book
All of these items are proportionately divided and compartmentalized into 70×7 72-hour kits which fill a meager 6×24 cubit space in my unfinished basement (which I expand myself each year, and will continue to do so no matter what the neighbors say about their so-called foundation rights or alleged broken pipelines).
I should also mention that I have two bags of plastic cups and plates and spoons (I don’t believe in forks and knives), which I plan to recycle accordingly. I also have plenty of Lysol, anti-bacterial tissue, and hospital masks to keep away the viruses when the terrorists attack.
This is how I magnify my calling, and I would exhort you all to do the same – if it wasn’t for the fact the President Hinckley doesn’t want me to. Suffice it to say, if any of you are getting any crazy thoughts right about now – don’t! I also have an appropriate cache of weapons and plenty of ammunition to keep away the faithless marauders who foolishly burnt all the oil in their lamps while waiting for the bridegroom (some of us are not nearly so fearful of the darkness). And speaking of oil, I also have just enough fuel to haul all my supply to Missouri once the land has been cleared for our triumphant return.
On a final note, I had a friend once. He had a very odd theory on food storage. He bought all sorts of weird food items from import stores all over Salt Lake so that “even the foreign people will have something they like to choose from.” To me, he was just wasting precious time and space. If the foreign people have not hearkened to the commands of the Lord, let them fend for themselves (present company excluded). It is a false doctrine to a**sume that the Lord justifies food storage by proxy.
By the way, comfort food is for wussies – and the Lord has no place in His kingdom for wussies.
Dear Brother Knudsen,
Why can’t I have the priesthood?
Your sister in the gospel,
Eve
Dear Sister Eve,
Thank you for your question. This may come as a surprise to you, and I hate to let you down, but I must admit that I do not really know. I have not pondered much on the subject and have never really felt much of a need to approach the Lord on this matter. But I would venture that it is safe to say that it is because you are able to bear children, and men are not. Women are also more spiritual than men (well, most men), so men need something to keep them interested in the church. This is just the Lord’s way of creating a balance (and who are we to question the Lord).
The nice thing is that you get to have all of the blessings of the priesthood through your husband, or your father, or your brothers, or your brother’s friends, or your bishop, or his counselors, or your home teachers (if they are really doing what they are supposed to be doing), or your sons, or your plutonic male friends (as long as they are worthy). So it is really kind of unfair now that you are making me think about it — you get all the blessings but none of the responsibility. Still, I am comforted to know that you are not one of those whining feminist complainers. Lift up your heart with great rejoicing, that is what the Spirit is whispering to me. You don’t need the priesthood. You only need at least one good man.
Dear Brother Stephen,
Perhaps you could use your priesthood to tell me what a “plutonic” male friend is, although truth be told I’m a little scared to ask. True confession: I used to be a whining feminist complainer, but then I realized how spiritually superior I am to every man on the planet simply by virtue of possessing a uterus and was overcome with pride and vainglory. Also, I started gazing at my belly button (to see if I had one), and ever since then, I’ve fit right in!
Your sister,
Eve
Brother Knudsen,
I’m trying to reconcile these phrases that I hear in the church all the time, that both deal with the behavior of members of the church.
1. “By their fruits, ye shall know them”
2. “The church is perfect, but the people aren’t.”
To me they seem contradictory, what do you think?
Dear Number 13,
I am starting to think that you are not being completely serious with me. Surely everyone knows what a plutonic male friend is — even former whining feminist complainers (and something makes me wonder if that is really even true). Although I do not watch televesion or movies (it makes avoiding rated R films easier if I just don’t watch anything) even I am familiar with the happiest place on earth, and the adorable family-friendly characters who live there. Their leader is a Mouse named Mickey, and his best friend — who follows him around in a purely plutonic way — is a black duck named Daffy. You understand that now, right? Maybe you are just trying to have a little fun at my expense. Every once in a while I catch people doing that. No matter, I am here for your benefit. A prophet is never appreciated in his own land.
Dear Sister Jessawhy,
It is simple. “By your fruits ye shall know them means” that when (if) people do good things, then you know that they are good. And when they do bad things, then you know that they are bad. It is like they are a tree (even though they really are not) and it is like that tree bears fruit (like the way we bear our testimonies) — if the fruit gets old and spoils, then the tree is bad. But if the fruit is always fresh and always tastes really good, then the tree is good.
And your second point is even more simpler. Most members of the church do not do what they are supposed to do. It’s as easy as that. They do not pray in the morning when they wake up, and read their scriptures, and think only pure thoughts, and be honest in all they do throuout the day, and pay their tithing, and go hometeaching/visiting teaching in the first week of the month, and go to the temple regularly, and watch other people’s kids so they can go to the temple regularly, and fast every fast Sunday for a full 24 hours (or until fainting, whichever comes first), and pay an honest fast offering (the amount of money that you would pay for two meals — including drinks and deserts — in the U.S., not in Guatamala), and bear their testimony every month, and keep the Sabath Day holy, and magnify their callings (whatever they are, it doesn’t matter, they are all the same, no matter if someone is being rewarded with an important calling like bishop or if they are being punished with something embarrasing like nursery teacher), and plant a garden, and write in their journals, and share the gospel with their friends, and keep a year supply, and stay out of debt, and stay away from rated-R movies and trashy television, and not get tatoos (even fake ones) or even look at people who do, and obey the word of wisdom to its fullest, and listen to only church appropriate music, and not pierce their ears or adorn their feet with tincklinng bells, and buckle their seatbelts when they drive, and give book of Mormons to people, and avoid gossipping, and dress modestly, and hold regular family home evenings, and pray every night before bed, and do all of the many other things that the perfect church tells them that they should do.
In other words, what you see as a contradiction is in truth a condemnation — it is the truth that most members don’t want to hear. Old, bad, withered fruit — that’s how most members are — and that is why it is so important that I share my message with people and help them to grow. It is why I am still here when I could have been translated ages ago. Even old bad fruit can be salvaged with a some tight-seal jars and a bit of preservative — a dehydrator works miracles as well. I hope that clears things up for you.
Say, you aren’t Elder Bednar in disguise are you?
Now I’m offended.
Hey bruther Steve,
I’ve noticed recently that when people ask me how I learned Japanese and I tell them that I lived in Japan for two-years, I am embarrassed to say “as a missionary for the Mormon church.” When I meet people for the first time, I shy away from telling them that I went to BYU or when they ask what area of folklore I focused on, I say “religious” rather than “Mormon” folklore? What is wrong with me?
I know you are trying to get my goat by using the vulgar shortcut instead of calling me by my prefered name, but it’s not going to work. In fact, I’m not even going to acknowledge it.
You want to know what is wrong with you? Absolutely nothing — if you want to be the cracked rock upon which is built the great and abominable church. By my count that was three denials (Mormon mission, BYU, Mormon folklore) and what is that I hear? Sounds like the cock is crowing.
So you call yourself a prophet? But how is that possible with all the misspelled words in your reply to sister Jessawhy? Surely, the Holy Spirit has spell check. Unless you’re led by another spirit altogether . . .
“Sounds like the cock is crowing.” Stephen, you shame our name with your course and vulgar language. Your punishment is two hours on the iceblock. Without pants.
Simonds Ryder,
Mormon 9:31 — Condemn me not because of mine imperfection, neither my father, because of his imperfection, neither them who have written before him; but rather give thanks unto God that he hath made manifest unto you our imperfections, that ye may learn to be more wise than we have been.
Dear Elder Knudsen, I was watching the recent PBS Documentary and there was a point raised that has caused me some constipa.., no, consternation. I hadn’t realized what a strong place dancing plays in the expression of our faith until I saw the documentary. I do not dance. Are there blessings that I am missing out on due to my neglect of dancing? Up to now my sin has been due to ignorance. But now the documentary has shed further light on this subject. I am confused, so I am asking a like-minded brother for further knowledge. I understand that blessings from heaven are predicated upon obedience to eternal laws. What blessings am I missing out on so that I can decide if it will be worth taking dance lessons?
Dear Brother Pins,
You have come to the right place. Do not by confused by the craftiness of the evil one; yea, even that very person, the devil, who was clearly an un-credited member of the PBS Documentary crew. You are not missing any blessings due to your lack of dancing. The only blessings that accompany the act of dancing are the blessings of the evil one; yea, even that very person, the devil. Verily, dancing is of evil (and the word “devil” actually comes from Dancing Evil – I think it is from the Greek). The scriptures are very clear on this matter. Allow me to explain.
In many cases, the dancing of women leads to their abduction. This happens in both he Old Testament and in the Book of Mormon. That cannot be a coincidence:
I remember a story of a girl while I was growing up. She was at a stake dance and she met a boy. He took her out into the canyon and they parked, which as I understand implies more than just sitting in a car in neutral. They were listening to the radio and the news came on that a mental patient had escaped from the local psychiatric ward. They decided to drive home, but the car was out of gas, so the boy walked to get gas and the girl stayed in the car. She fell asleep, and later that night she woke up to the sound of scratch, scratch, scratch on the roof of the car. In the morning, the police came and escorted her from the car. They told her not to turn around whatever she did. But she did turn around, where she saw the body of the boy hanging from a tree above the car, his fingernails scratch, scratch, scratching the top of the car as he swayed to and fro in the breeze. And because she turned around when she was told not to, she turned into a pillar of salt. So you can see what dancing can lead to.
Furthermore, if it was not for the evil of dancing, the Israelites would have been given the fullness of the gospel and the millennium may have already been here by now:
And let us not forget of the ways that dancing can make anyone out of control to the point where they completely lose their head.
Again, more parallels form the Bible and the Book of Mormon. This is not just by accident, but clearly by design.
So I hope you have not wasted any money yet on dancing classes. If you have, I hope you can get it back (and if you do, you should pay a second tithe on it as part of your repentance). If you have already gone to a class and learned some dancing moves, I hope that you can forget them, or that at least you have such poor rhythm that it will be to no avail.
By the way, is your middle name Topher? I once knew two twin brothers, Chris and Kris Crispins, who had been born connected at the nose. They were, thankfully, separated by a kind and benevolent doctor, but they now live life with only one nostril each. Their little joke is that one of them is always right and the other is always wrong (I don’t think that is very funny myself). At any rate, thank you for the question. I hope my response has not been too late.
Brother Stephen,
I just want to thank you for your explanation of my question. It does make it a lot easier to see everybody as a sinner. Then there are really no good fruits to worry about. Wow, you’ve lifted a weight off my mind.
Sister Jessawhy,
You are very welcome. Just emblazen the words of Isiah across your heart:
(I recommend a small 3×5 branding iron heated sufficiently in the coals for 10-20 minutes):
Hey cousin Stephen. So this is where you are hanging out with all your Morgbot friends? Bet you hoped I wouldn’t find you here. Bad enough having us “apostate inactives” showing up at the family reunions, isn’t it? Well, I see you are spreading your mindless obedience to the fake Jesus here, but enough about that. How’s cousin Moroni (you remember, the happy one, wink, wink, nudge, nudge)?
P.S. Remember the time I convinced uncle LaRoy that you’d looked at the “naughty bits” in the Sears catalog and they made you sit on the ice block?
Brother the Third,
Please share the interpretation of any of figures 8-21 in Facsimilie number 2 in the Book of Abraham. And if you say you won’t, I’ll believe it’s because you have not received the revelation.
Dear elder Knudsen,
I have a question. I want to be a seminary teacher. Well, not really, I want to move up the CES chain of command until I’m the top dog, because obviously that is where I can best utilize my talents for righteousness. But, I realize that I need to start at the bottom, as a seminary teacher somewhere in South Podunk, Idaho.
Here’s my question. I think I have a GREAT idea for a master’s thesis. I have long felt that King Benjamin was something of a slacker and weakling. All this mercy and kindness, gag. What about divine justice and retribution? I arose this morning at 4:30 a.m. as is my wont to take a cold shower and read scriptures. Mosiah 4:29 fairly jumped off the page.
“And finally, I cannot tell you all the things whereby ye may commit sin; for there are divers ways and means, even so many that I cannot number them.”
How is that for slacking off? He thinks it will be too hard, so he doesn’t even try. Disgraceful.
Let me tell you something, elder Stephen Erasmus Knudsen III. I have been taking careful notes on the sins of people around me for twenty years now - roommates, missionary companions, co-workers, family members, ward members, etc., etc., etc., and I think I am getting close to having a comprehensive list of sins. All is not well in Zion, believe me. King Benjamin didn’t have the stomach for it, but, gosh darn it, somebody has to do it, and it looks like that somebody is yours truly. Sometimes people shy away from cataloguing the sins of others, but I believe I am doing them a favor by calling a spade a spade. I plan to submit my list of sins as my master’s thesis. It is already 382 pages long.
Do you think that is too long? And don’t you think CES will have to hire me when they see how spiritual and righteous I am, compared to their other applicants? I’m sure I will climb the ladder quickly when GAs begin referring to my book in general conference.
Cousin Jeraboam (#28,29), I am quite prepared to welcome you back in to the fold with open arms as soon as I have seen sufficient evidence of your repentance. As I have often suggested, to keep you out of trouble it is best that you simply cut it off. It is filthy and unwholesome and you are constantly playing with it in public. I believe you will find that you can live a fulfulling and eventful life without it. I know you say that Brother Brigham got along just fine with his, but I am sure he kept his well groomed and immaculately clean. Besides, if I can live without one, you can to. If it is too difficult, I will do it for you. I will even clean up for you afterwards. So what do you say, will you finally shave that filthy thing from your face? They might even let you back in to BYU.
1. The seed of faith shall blossom and grow to the delight of all.
2. Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly.
3. Ought not be revealed at this time.
Dear Brother Aspiring CES Teacher (#31),
I would like to read your manuscript. Will you send it to me (I promise I won’t lose it).
I have actually been working on a similar project, in a way — it is a more comprehensive and inspired work. We know that the fullness of the gospel and a history of everything that ever was and everything that ever will be was revealed to the Nephites during their brief period of absolute righteousness following the visit of the Savior. We know that they recorded all of these things as they were commanded, but those teachings are sealed in that portion of the golden plates that Joseph was allowed to read, but not allowed to translate because of the wickedness of the people. And we know that we would have these teachings today if it were not for the continued wickedness of the people.
But we also know that if we lack wisdom, we can ask of God, who giveth to all men conservatively (SEK tranlation) and upbraideth not. Well, I have asked, and it has been given — slowly — line upon line. I have almost finished, and when I do, we will have (finaly) the sealed portion of the Book of Mormon, which includes the complete list of sins that King Benjamin read to his people
You are wrong, by the way, although I can see why you came to that conclusion. To save time, Mormon just abridged that part out of Benjamin’s speech, not because he was a slacker, but because it was reserved for someone righteous enough in the last days to pray and ponder and be inspired enough to hear the whisperings of the spirit and reveal it to the world. But King Benjamin did, in fact, detail all of the sins — including the ones that hadn’t even been invented yet (and some that have long since passed in to oblivion, like splurking). The real reason King Benjamin needed that tower was because his list of all the sins was so long.
So, I applaud you for your efforts. I will hate to make them redundant, but such is my lot in life. Nothing personal. In fact, maybe our two works can be joined together someway — like how milk is given before meat, or how the aaronic priesthood is a trial priesthood for the real one. I wish you luck in your quest — I may even consider you for one of my councilors.
But God made me this way! You try shaving every day when you have “wolfman syndrome.” It’s not a choice: I was born like this.
Like this: http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/content/6048.jpg
I’ve tried to overcome this hair that just keeps rising on my face. My bishop told me that if I found a good straight razor I could overcome this problem, but every time I try to live up to the standards, I find I miss a day, and then it’s back to the same old habits and pretty soon I’m trolling circuses looking for someone who accepts me for who I am. I’ve considered surgery to straighten out my hirsute identity disorder, but God made me this way and if I run from it it doesn’t change who I am. That’s why I left. If there were only a place for people like me in the Church, maybe I wouldn’t be so angry, but what future is there for me when I’m shut out of BYU. I refuse to thing that Jesus hates me for my problem, but is there any hope, cousin Stephen, or are my old pranks on you all anyone in the family will remember?
JFR,
The true answer lies in self-mastery. As a man thinks in his heart, so he is. If you did not wish to have full-on beard in your heart, you would not have one. Whenever you feel the urge to grow out that unsightly facial and body hair, you must sing the hymns of Zion and it will stop the follicle growth. Then, your heart will be pure and you have the smooth face of an angel (or a general authority).
I’m sure brother Stephen would agree with me.
Bro. Goode.
Dear elder Knudsen,
I have been serving in the mission field now for two and a half months and haven’t been made senior companion yet. I have fasted and prayed, and it has been confirmed to me that the Lord wants me to be an AP very soon so that my righteous influence can be spread throughout this entire mission which, quite frankly, needs all the righteous influence it can get.
In order to get from junior to senior to trainer to DL to ZL to AP, I have decided to start including something like a resume in my weekly letter to the president. Once he sees how much more spiritually advanced I am than the other elders, I’m sure his mind will be more in tune with the Lord’s and mine, and he will promote me to be on his right hand.
In this week’s letter, I included the following accomplishments and suggestions:
1. Performed the ordinance of shaking off the dust of my feet on two occasions. We tracted through two entire subdivisions and all we got for our efforts was rudeness in return. I felt inspired to seal their inhabitants up unto eternal dangnation. When they are roasting in heck, they’ll have only themselves to blame.
2. Cast the devil out of my companion. On Sunday morning, he wanted to ride the bus to church rather than walk the four miles to the chapel. When I pointed out to him that riding the bus was forcing somebody to work on the Sabbath, the logic and spiritual power of my statement left him almost speechless. I told him that busriding on Sunday was leading somebody else to sin, and if he wanted to do that, he might as well go give away crack cocaine on the elementary school playground. He started to mutter words like “nut” and “fanatic” and “transfer” so I used my enormous powers of discernment and concluded that he was speaking evil of me, the Lord’s annointed. I raised my arm to the square right there on the corner of Main and Sycamore and put an end to it.
3. I included a suggestion that the president hire people to monitor each pair of missionaries 24/7. There is entirely too much sleeping in, slacking off, and overall backsliding. If only the missionaries would obey the rules more diligently, the Lord would bless our mission with thousands of baptisms. I’m sure we could find some retired drill sergeants from the Marine Corps who would be glad to help out as moniters. We could pay them out of the tithing receipts from all the new members and still come out ahead.
What do you think, elder Knudsen? Do you have any other suggestions as to how I can show the president what a spiritual giant I am?
Dear Elder Wannabe,
I have been waiting for your correspondance from the day I first signed on to this website. Yes, I have felt your spirit and righteousness swelling and you are clearly on the right track. One thing that worked for me that you might want to consider:
Remember the parable of the importunate widow (I think they really meant unfortunate — you know how badly mistranslated the Bible can be). You need to send more letters to the President, multiple times, daily. Of course you can not do this on your own. When you get a new investigator, encourage them to write letters to the President on your behalf. You can even provide a template, as I did.
One other strategy — when you pass out Book of Mormons, don’t just give the gift of the spirit — give the gift of you. I would write my testimony on the inside of every Book of Mormon and include it with a picture of my face, smiling humbly, invitingly, demonstrated the inner peace that absulte obedience can bring.
Of course the other thing I did which was very impressive and effective is a little beyond even your grasp. Six months before my mission call, I received a personal confirmation that I would be going to Russia. So I looked up the name of the mission president, President Lundquist, and I started sending my weekly letters long before I ever entered the field. And the nice thing is that President Lundquist kept them and was kind enough to forward them to President Brown when my call came to Los Angeles (which proves that the Lord really does change his mind on things like the gospel going to the gentiles or priesthood to the blacks), so right from the start President Brown knew what he was getting, which is why he made me special top-secret AP from Day 1 — a calling I kept and honored through my entire mission.
Good luck to you Elder Wannabe. You will be in my prayers (not all of them, but I can squeeze you in after lunch).
Yours in valiance,
Elder Stephen Erastus Knudsen III
Stephen,
I heard that you were chastised by your mission president because you kept telling claiming that your title was “Top Secret Assistant President,” instead of “Top Secret Assistant to the President.” Any truth in this?
P.S. I hope you have your seer stone handy to see through my errors in editing (e.g. “telling claiming” instead of just “telling.”)
Brother Costanza (#41),
No, there is no truth in that at all (finally, a good example of folklore for this site). That was probably started by people in my mission who were trying to make an escape-goat out of me.
Besides, I would not be a very good SAP (Secret Assitant to the President) if I were actually telling people about it, would I? That was a title I swore I would never reveal. I would rather disembowl myself first — which, by the way, is very similar to the Japanese ritual hara-kiri. It kind-of makes you wonder.
I cannot tell you how relieved I am at to hear that such things are nothing but base lies. Well, I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you. But I believe you are surrounded by large Nephite guards who would doubtless kill me before I could kill you, which would mean that if I told you I would be killing myself. And we know what the big guy thinks about suicide.
Back at comment #11, Eve asked why she couldn’t have the priesthood. I’m not sure the answer was entirely satisfying for anyone, but this little anecdote, which apparently happened in a Lavonia, MI ward answers the question pretty well.
In one SM, the bishop got up with a little girl who had just been baptized and said, “Now your daddy is going to give you the Gift of the Holy Ghost because he has something very special that starts with a P.” The little girl replied “A penis?” Without missing a beat, the bishop said, “Yes, AND the Priesthood!”
The link is http://www.mormonmommywars.com/?p=659#comment-36154
ps (Why doesn’t this site have those buttons for quotes and links?)
Dear Brother Stephen,
From loftiest empyrion in a place that must be nigh Kolob due to the greatness of its name, I have discovered the following:
Is this true? I must know. If so, it may explain to those of us still on earth how you are able to blog without using the Internet…
I’m sure he meant to say he works in translation, not that he had undergone translation. Stevie-boy speaks perfect and fluent Gibberish, you see.
There is no blogging or creating of blogs in heaven. Proof positive that Stevie-boy is an Earth-bound day dreamer trying to escape his mundane life of eating Ramen Noodles and devising ways to get called as an AP again.
Some things are too sacred to discuss. However, I will say that I do not really know what “blogging” is. I simply gaze into my urim and thummim and see questions. I project my thoughts in response and now all this.
How long were you projecting before you heard back? Sounds like a message in a bottle technique.
Jessawhy (#45),
Elder Knudsen does not really understand what you mean by “buttons” — he has quite a different understanding about what is really going on here. But nevertheless, I added them for you (you might have to click on the “>>” button above to make them visible. Does that make you happy?
Dear Elder Knudsen, I love the classic primary song entitled, “I’m Trying to be Like Jesus.” Don’t you? That is how I go about living my life. I’ve chosen THE perfect job as a shepherd. I work near my home, of course, so that I can walk there. They didn’t have cars back then. I had considered going into carpentering, but there is some doubt whether or not Jesus was a wood carpenter or a carpenter working in some other medium, so I felt I should choose another suitable occupation so as not to go in to the wrong type of carpentering. So the natural second choice was shepherding. I figured it would be best to go into something that had symbolic meaning as well as being practical. Lately, I’ve been struggling with something, though, so I thought I’d turn to you for some insight. Was Jesus married or was he not? It is possible that you have been struggling with the same question because I understand that you have yet to marry. I figure that someone with a testimony like yours could have any girl he liked. Anyway, can you share your thoughts and experience with me so that I can either come to grips with this celibacy thing or get out there and find my eternal companion? Arigatoo
Glenn,
I noticed the buttons!
Thank you!
I’m not sure what they do, so I’m trying them out.
Perhaps this strong button will make my words more meaningful.
em?
Um Hi-
I don’t really want to comment to this Steven guy, but I think Chris (#51), You sound kinda cute,he he he. I’m not married yet either. I know I don’t know you, but my Pastry-article blessing told me that on the 6th day of the 6th month in the year 2007 I would find my eternal companion. I don’t know if your 21 or 81, but reading your comments, I just feel like I knew you somewhere before. Could it be that you feel the same?
Brother Pins (#51),
It is good to hear from you again. I heartily approve of your choice of primary song, although I am afraid that I cannot say the same about your choice of profession. Jesus was not a shepherd. He was a carpenter, and there is no question that his medium was wood. If you were uncertain, you should have asked God, who giveth to all men conservatively and upbraideth not. Still, your second choice should have been fisherman. Shepherding is a foul and dirty profession. I knew an Elder Shepherd in the MTC. He was NOT a good missionary.
To answer your question, no, Jesus was not married, for he that is married careth for the things that are of the world (1 Cor 7:33). Also, we know that in heaven we neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven (Matt 22:30). Marriage is clearly for those who are weak and cannot master their immoral earthly cravings of the flesh. I am reminded of the words of President Kimball:
I wish to state unequivocally that twigs and leaves are no problem for me. I encourage you to maintain a firm grip on your celibacy thing and further admonish you to change your profession at once. A wise farmer once told me that a field full of sheep is no place for a celibate man. I don’t really know what that means, but I think you would be safer with fish.
Brother Knudsen,
Which kingdom will have more souls: celestial or terrestrial. I say celestial because of all the children that die before age 8. What say you?
Dear Elder Knudsen, Sticks and stones will break my bones, but leaves and twigs will… uh.. I can’t remember how that goes. Anyway, I have read your recent epistle and can sense your disapproval of my choice of profession. I have been pondering your words whilst attempting to pluck that “javelin” of a remark from my heart. I want you to know that I forgive you from the bottom of my punctured and still slightly wounded heart for your critical remarks regarding my chosen profession. I realize that you will want to reply with “The guilty taketh the truth to be hard,” so you may. But just know that I forgive you. Although you censored me by saying, “Jesus was not a shepherd,” it mattereth not for I glory in the greatness of your heart. You must have been having a rough day on the day you replied because I know that on a typical day you would not ever say “Jesus was not a shepherd.” For he was the “Good Shepherd.” Thus the placement of shepherding just behind carpentering as my choice of professions. Plus, I have a hard time getting the hook out of the mouths of fish which results in an elevation of my temper and a mamed fish. On a different note, thank you for your inspired thoughts on celibacy in relation to shepherding. I have been able to catch a glimpse of what that wise man said and I dare not let mine eyes offend me further. Are you familiar with anybody offering fishinging lessons? I was able to procure a refund from the Fred Astaire Dance Studio, so I now have funds available.
Elder Knudsen, I just got to thinking, should I pay tithing on the refund I received from the dance studio? I have already paid tithing on it, but it is again increase.
Brother Pins (#56, 57),
Real fishermen don’t use hooks. The cast nets. All the training you need is found in the New Testament. You don’t even need my inspired translation to understand that.
As for your tithing question — I am usually not dissapointed in the questions I recieve. Have you prayed about this? Has the Lord not revealed to you His Truth? Sometimes I feel like the farmer who must help the baby chicks break out of their shell. Yes, of course you should pay tithing on the refund — you should pay tithing on everything. And I suppose that 10% is fine for those of you who at this point are merely novice followers of the Lord, but remember o remember that we are to magnify our callings and consecreate all our belongings to the building up of God’s kingdom here on earth. If you and your conscience are content with the telestial law of 10% tithing, so be it. There is a space reserved for you with at least 10% of the glory you could recieve elsewhere. Does not your bosom burn confirming the truth of my words as you read them? Please repent Brother Pins. I had such high hopes for you. Many are called, but few are Knudsen.
Brother Knudsen,
Please help me. For the past few days my neck and shoulder has been very tight. I can barely turn my head this way nor that. So this afternoon I scheduled an appointment with a masseuse. It was a man. He rubbed oil on my neck and shoulders, and went to work. Now I am very confused. Was this wrong, Brother Knudsen? Do I need to repent?
Brother Snell,
I am assuming that you are “brother” Snell. Do you need to repent? Of course, everyone does (well… ). A massage parlor can be a dangerous place. But as long as you kept your garments on the entire time (both top and bottom, unless of course you wear a one piece, as I do — in that case you don’t have the option to be only half-way obedient) and as long as you did not enjoy it, it is okay.
I sincerely hope your shoulder is feeling better — unless, of course, you violated one of the two rules set forth above. In that case, may your continued pain be a reminder of your shame.
Brother Knudsen, Where have you been? I have come to your site daily searching for those pure nuggets of wisdom that only you can extol, and there has been nothing. Nothing. And I thought the writers strike was bad. Please tell me you are back for good.
Stevie-Boy has withdrawn from those of us he deems unworthy to impart his “wisdom” to. Which is a shame. Who will we make fun of now?
My Dearest Sweetest Brother Rider,
It may seem that I have withdrawn and left you, but alas, I have not. For no matter where you go or wherever the future may take you, I will always be with you.
Whenever you hear someone say that they know beyond a shadow of doubt that this church is the only true church and that all other churches are an abomination before the Lord, I will be there.
Whenever you see a young man reach for the sacrament bread with his left hand, and then quickly pull it back and reach out again with his right, because he doesn’t want to do it the wrong way, I will be there.
Whenever you hear that a person’s level of valiance in the pre-mortal existence can be measured by the color of his skin, I will be there.
Whenever you look at a tattooed person with a mix of horror and deep concern — whenever you shake your head over a friend drinking a coke or even thinking that a rated-R movie might be cool — whenever you see a non-member who is is also good and pure and you think they would make a great mormon, I will be there.
Whenever you see an old man hitchhiking on the side of the road, and he tells you to get your year supply in order, and then vanishes in midair, I will be there.
Whenever you turn a meet-and-greet with your new neighbor into a linger-longer and a missionary-moment, verily I will be there.
Yea, verily, whenever thou hearest any archaic speech, I shall be there in thy midst.
I will be in the rhetoric that validates the truthfulness of this work, and in every hearty pat on the back.
I will be in every piece of guilt that of necessity keeps us all in line.
I will be in every piece of proof or evidence that proves (and evidences) the truthfulness of this work.
And when you wipe the dust from your feet for the people who have the arrogance to challenge and question and doubt… well, you get the idea.
Ciao, baby. Unfortunately I ain’t goin’ nowhere.
I HAVE to ask if you have heard anything about the story being passed around about President Eyring. It smacks of Mormon Folklore, but I can’t prove it right or wrong. Have you heard of it? Can you prove its authenticity or lack thereof? I can only verify that he broke a small bone in his ankle- nothing about the pacemaker or anything else. Here’s the story, in case you’ve been able to avoid it. (I’m copying it from my e-mail to paste below) Thank you!
Last night (Saturday, April 5) in the Priesthood Session of the Mormon (LDS) Conference, Elder Henry B. Eyring was speaking (among other things) about how the Lord will strengthen you and uphold you as you serve Him. He talked about how when you do the Lords work you qualify for the Lords blessings. Then he specifically mentioned that as you serve, angels will support you. During this time he got a little choked up, and you could tell there was context behind those words.
A few weeks ago when Elder Eyring was at home, he suddenly found himself waking up on the floor, with his leg twisted under him. He went to work, but soon realized he needed to have his leg checked. When he did, he found out it was broken (which is why he’s currently using a cane, in case you wondered).
But then as the days went by, he continued to have times where he’d suddenly lose consciousness and he felt very weak. He was frustrated because he felt helpless. Newly appointed as the First Counselor to President Monson, he just wanted to serve. He got in to see the doctor, and had some tests done, and went back to work. Soon the results came in, and the doctor told him he had to come back to the hospital immediately.
Come to find out, his heart would periodically just stop. So last Tuesday, he had a pacemaker put in. Last Tuesday. I don’t know if you’ve known anyone who’s had that happen, but it’s a serious surgery, with an extended recovery time.
He got a blessing from President Monson, wherein he was told that angels would support him. The next day - Wednesday, he attended the meeting with the General Authorities in the temple. Thursday, he participated in the General Authority training. Then today (Saturday), he stood up, looking as magnified and healthy as ever, and delivered a powerful address on trusting in God as you serve with all your heart.
He’s living testimony of his own words (as he so testified).
Nephi said it well, when he said (1 Nephi 1:20 ): “I Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.”
How marvelous it is to be led by men of such faith, of such commitment, and of such stature.
Dear Sister E,
How could it be folklore when it is so obviously marvelous and true?
I have one rule of thumb in determining whether or not a story like this is true:
Does it support my beliefs?
If the answer is “yes” then clearly the story is true, because I already know beyond any shadow of any doubt that my beliefs are correct and accurate and true.
If, however, the answer is “no” then I know it is false and of the devil, because the devil wants nothing more than for us to stop believing our beliefs (well, that and for our sweet sisters to wear immodest clothes).
You’re on the right track! I hope this helps.
Hello,
What are your thoughts on Mosiah Hancock’s vision of preexistence?
Elaine
Dear Sister Elaine,
I sincerely apologize for the delay in my response. I made my yearly pilgrimage from Palmyra to Kirtland to Independance and Far West back to Nauvoo and then on to Salt Lake (all on foot) and I forgot to bring along my seerstone this time. Thus I was not able to view and respond to the comments left to me here until today.
I am well aware of Brother Hancock’s vision, and I intend to write a formal treatise soon. Until then, let me just say that it’s not the way that I saw it. And if it was REALLY true, then he would have called it his vision of the “pre-mortal” existence. More to come.