Resurrection is TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!
Mar 13th, 2008 by Stephen Erastus Knudsen III
Okay, lookit. We know for a fact that the resurrection is real, that the spirit will be reunited with the body and will live in some level of glory (depending on how good we have been) for ever and ever and ever.
We know for a fact that this happens even today, because of Moroni, and John the Baptist, and that little Lamanite girl who’s bones were disturbed by that farmer in Utah and who resurrected on this spot because of the blessing her righteous Lamanite father had given to her centuries earlier.
But please, give me a break…
The resurrection is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from zombies!
Zombies are of the devil.
We know for a fact that the devil tries to copy all things of God (just look at the Catholic church). But Zombies eat people, and resurrected beings don’t. By their fruits ye shall know them — especially if those fruits are people.
And I would advise that if you come across a Zombie, you do not put it to Joseph Smith’s recomended “angel detection” test and ask it to shake your hand. A zombie would only eat it, and then how would you partake of the sacrament?
A better way for discernment is to just look at its hair color, because we know for a fact that the devil is a red-head (yes brother Sterling VW, I’m looking at you).
So please, do not be deceived. Red-headed Zombies are DEFINITELY of the devil.
!
Two zombie tips.
1. Offer your left hand in the “detection shake”. Then you retain your right for the sacrament should the zombie consume your hand.
2. Just ask politely “are you a zombie?”. Midwestern zombie are too polite to lie. So that works fine for folks like me in Michigan.
Just one question. What is the church position on baprizing the names of zombified ancestors?
Dear Brother scaped,
While I appreciate your suggestions, I fear that they are terribly misguided. A zombie who eats your left hand will only continue to eat your left arm, and then your left shoulder, and then your face, and then your head. While it is true that the right hand is the most important part of taking the sacrament, if you don’t have a mouth, you will never really be able to renew your baptismal covenants — just holding the bread in your right hand doesn’t count. And as of yet we do not have the ordinance of weekly sacrament partaking for the dead. So no, it is not appropriate to offer even your left hand.
Let me liken it unto an Arab who pitched his tent in a violent desert storm. Outside the tent, the storm raged, but inside the tent he was safe. Perchance and behold a zombie came and gently thrust his nose under the flap and looked in. “Master,” he said, “let me put my nose in thy tent. It’s cold and stormy out here.” “By all means,” said the Arab, “and welcome” as he turned over and went to sleep. The zombie plucked off his nose and tossed it harmlessly into the tent.
A little later the Arab awoke to find that the noseless zombie had not only tossed his nose in the tent but his head and neck also. The zombie head turned to look at his body, still outside the tent, and said, “I will take but little more room if I place my feet within the tent. It is difficult standing out here.” “Yes, you may put your feet within,” said the Arab, moving a little to make room, for the tent was small.
Finally, the zombie said, “May I not place all my body parts wholly inside? I keep the tent open by standing footless as I do.” “Yes, yes,” said the Arab. “Come wholly inside. Perhaps it will be better for both of us.” So the zombie detached his legs and threw them in. The Arab with difficulty in the crowded quarters again went to sleep. When he woke up the next time, he found that he had been eaten by the fully reanimated zombie — or maybe it was a camel, I forget. Either way, let that be a lesson to you on the extreme dangers of charity.
Dear Brother scaped,
To answer your final question, I have turned to my own personal set of scriptures, and referred to the SEK Translation. Let me explain:
Years ago, when I learned that Joseph Smith was martyred before he was able to complete his retranslation of the Bible, I prayed that I might be able to continue in his stead. After much fasting and voluntarily mowing lawns for unthankful neighbors, my prayers were answered and my eyes were opened to what the original Bible authors really wrote and really meant before it was all changed and distorted by evil men (aka the Catholics).
1 Cor 15:29
“Otherwise, what will those do who are baptized for the UNDEAD? If the UNDEAD are not raised at all, why then are they baptized for them?”
Normally I do not cast these pearls before swine, but since you asked…