1. Offer your left hand in the “detection shake”. Then you retain your right for the sacrament should the zombie consume your hand.

2. Just ask politely “are you a zombie?”. Midwestern zombie are too polite to lie. So that works fine for folks like me in Michigan.

Just one question. What is the church position on baprizing the names of zombified ancestors?

While I appreciate your suggestions, I fear that they are terribly misguided. A zombie who eats your left hand will only continue to eat your left arm, and then your left shoulder, and then your face, and then your head. While it is true that the right hand is the most important part of taking the sacrament, if you don’t have a mouth, you will never really be able to renew your baptismal covenants — just holding the bread in your right hand doesn’t count. And as of yet we do not have the ordinance of weekly sacrament partaking for the dead. So no, it is not appropriate to offer even your left hand.

Let me liken it unto an Arab who pitched his tent in a violent desert storm. Outside the tent, the storm raged, but inside the tent he was safe. Perchance and behold a zombie came and gently thrust his nose under the flap and looked in. “Master,” he said, “let me put my nose in thy tent. It’s cold and stormy out here.” “By all means,” said the Arab, “and welcome” as he turned over and went to sleep. The zombie plucked off his nose and tossed it harmlessly into the tent.

A little later the Arab awoke to find that the noseless zombie had not only tossed his nose in the tent but his head and neck also. The zombie head turned to look at his body, still outside the tent, and said, “I will take but little more room if I place my feet within the tent. It is difficult standing out here.” “Yes, you may put your feet within,” said the Arab, moving a little to make room, for the tent was small.

Finally, the zombie said, “May I not place all my body parts wholly inside? I keep the tent open by standing footless as I do.” “Yes, yes,” said the Arab. “Come wholly inside. Perhaps it will be better for both of us.” So the zombie detached his legs and threw them in. The Arab with difficulty in the crowded quarters again went to sleep. When he woke up the next time, he found that he had been eaten by the fully reanimated zombie — or maybe it was a camel, I forget. Either way, let that be a lesson to you on the extreme dangers of charity.

To answer your final question, I have turned to my own personal set of scriptures, and referred to the SEK Translation. Let me explain:

Years ago, when I learned that Joseph Smith was martyred before he was able to complete his retranslation of the Bible, I prayed that I might be able to continue in his stead. After much fasting and voluntarily mowing lawns for unthankful neighbors, my prayers were answered and my eyes were opened to what the original Bible authors really wrote and really meant before it was all changed and distorted by evil men (aka the Catholics).

1 Cor 15:29
“Otherwise, what will those do who are baptized for the UNDEAD? If the UNDEAD are not raised at all, why then are they baptized for them?”

Normally I do not cast these pearls before swine, but since you asked…