Mormon Folklore

Several years ago I was introduced to the gourmet culinary art known as “cooking your own wings” and “chowing down.” A group of friends and I religiously perfected the ritual of wing-eating and developed some very clear do’s-and-dont’s.

And while I do not know how many of you know much about the delights of wing-eating, I am deeply moved for the salvation of each wing-lover’s wing-loving soul (and for those who reject wing-eating altogether, don’t worry, there is a place-setting prepared for you, too – perfect knowledge or not).

Thus, I humbly present to you the Word of Wingdom (which hangs, framed, on the wall in my home study, and has caused more than one set of home teachers’ eyes to look twice when expecting to see something akin to the proclamation on the family). If you would like to download an original Word of Wingdom for your own printing and framing click here (flood the earth brothers and sisteren!). Otherwise, read on, and enjoy.

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A PROCLAMATION TO THE WORLD
The Word of Wingdom

v. 1-3 Message of truth, three degrees set out: v. 4-7 conditions of Celestial world, V. 8-11 conditions of Terrestrial world: v. 12-13 conditions of Telestial world; v. 14 blessings of obedience.

1. He who hath ears to hear, let him hear the message of the word of truth.

2 For in the house of Wings there are many mansions. How shall I liken these that you may understand them?

3. For there are mansions like unto the stars in their glory which are Telestial, and mansions like unto the moon in its glory which are Terrestrial, and mansions like unto the sun in its glory which are Celestial.

4. He who hath eyes to see, let him read this proclamation of the words of truth, for unto each glory is assigned inhabitants who are judged by their works in the flesh. These are they who must abide in the glory thereof.

5. For whosoever liveth the law to its fullest, who obey the commandments and transgress not the law, these are they who shall inherit the Celestial Wingdom. These are they who place no other sauce before me, for there is but one true sauce, and it is the Red Hot of Durkee or more recently of Franks™. And to this sauce should be added only enough pure butter as to dilute its potency sufficiently, and enough white wine vinegar, purely distilled, with perhaps a dash of freshly ground pepper (to give it that little extra kick) for there are many degrees within the Celestial Wingdom. Any more or less than this cometh of evil.

6. And pertaining to the inhabitance of the Celestial Wingdom, these are they who in life devoured their wings with thankfulness of heart, and left not extra meat nor skin upon the bone, but bit off the ends and sucked the marrow ‘til it was dry. These are they who shall inherit the Celestial Wingdom. But verily I say unto you that he who cannot abide Celestial laws cannot abide the Celestial Wingdom. For no unclean thing can enter therein, including those who waste meat upon the bones, or those who abuse ranch-based salad dressings of any kind,

7. For verily I say unto you that ranch and blue cheese were not made for the dipping of wings, but were intended for vegetables such as carrots or celery, and for the healing of bruised cows (but only on Tuesdays). Woe unto he who dips his wing into sauces such as these, for surely be to their eternal condimentation.

8. And for those who were honest men, enjoying the idea of wings but never partaking in the fullness of their glory, being deceived by the craftiness of men and the irresponsibility of restaurants, fast food joints, and pizza chains (who have absolutely no business selling their corrupted excuse-for-wings in the first place) these are they who shall inherit the Terrestrial Wingdom.

9. These are they who, rather than harvesting all the goodness of each wing, peeled off the skin, refused to bite into the bone, dipped into the forbidden sauces, and did not pick their wings dry. These are they who ignorantly threw old wings in the garbage when they thought that they were full; for verily I say unto you, wings were made for the enjoyment of man, and not for the enlargement of landfills. If ye love me, eat my commandments.

10. He who hath tongue to taste, let him savor the truth, that uneaten wings shall not be wasted, but shall be saved and preserved and reheated in their original sauce, for what good is new sauce with old wings?

11. And to those who would re-use old sauce on newly cooked wings, verily I forbid it. And yea, these are they who shall inherit the Terrestrial Wingdom. But again I say unto, yea and verily and all the rest of it (sing me on down – can I get an Amen?) he who abideth not the Terrestrial law cannot abide the Terrestrial Wingdom.

12. And the rest are those of the Telestial world, whose glory is likened unto the stars, and the really dim and faint ones at that: Liars, who feign righteousness but secretly dip in ranch or blue cheese when they think no one is looking; Murderers, who throw away perfectly good wings or eat wings before they have been sauced for the purpose of avoiding spices; Adulterers, who use any sauce other than the Durkee or of Franks™.

13. These are they who shall not partake of the first batch of wings delivered in the morning of the first preparation, but shall pay for their sins with paper cuts on their feet and hands in a burning lake of hell-fire ranch and blue cheese damnation, mixed with a tablespoon of lemon juice, perhaps a sprinkle of paprika, and a tiny dash of salt until it hurts really really bad! For wings shall not be mocked.

14. But verily, to those who keep and honor my laws, to them shall I open the windows of heaven, remove the screens, and pour out great gifts and blessings untold; and ye shall have my mark stained across your lips, and shall be numbered among my gaggle, and if ye do so, ye shall be my friends. Let’s eat. Amen.