My ULCER Ego
May 1st, 2008 by Stephen Erastus Knudsen III
I would be very ungrateful today indeed if I did not stand before you and bear witness against the recent slander that has come against me. I can take the mockery and the ridicule. I can accept the tar and the feathers. But to suggest that I am merely a fictional character derived from a BYU satire class?
Oh, heaven, where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall mine eye, yea mine pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs done upon me thy servant? How long shall I suffer these wrongs and oppressions, before thy bowels be moved with compassion toward me?
So allow me to move my own bowels and speak out against this tyranny. I will tell you about MY alter ego (or should I say my “ulcer” ego, because that kind of rhymes with “alter,” and I’m kind of clever, too). You want to know more about this “Glenn” guy (if that is his real name…)? Well here it is:
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ZD had a great post a few weeks ago for April Fools day. They called it: 
I usually don’t eavesdrop on other peoples’ conversations, because that in and of itself can be a sin, but I couldn’t help but overhear the couple in front of me at church yesterday during the passing of the sacrament. Maybe if they would have been silently praying, as they should have been, to find out which of their friends to introduce to the missionaries this week I would not have overheard them. But, after the hymn was over and the priests were still breaking the bread, the wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, “do they always break the bread during the song, or do they ever break it up ahead of time?” I had to laugh, ever so modestly. Ah, our sweet sisters. But it made me think that there may be others – like converts or inactives or non-Utah Mormons – who might not understand why we do the sacrament the way that we do. So I thought this would be a good time to explain it.
This site is called Mormon Folklore because there is a lot of false information out there that someone has to set straight. One of my gifts is discernment, so I am happy to do it. But I cannot always be there to help those of you who are so much weaker at discerning the truth from the lies. So to you, I give another key that will never rust. I have one rule of thumb in determining whether or not any piece of information is true:
I recently saw a wise comment from a wise brother over on 
…without the Scriptures, or the Church, or the Gospel of Jesus Christ (they are all basically the same amazing thing).
Seriously. I’m pretty sure that birds mate with more than one spouse. Which makes perfect sense, because at times such things are ordained of God (although he has put it temporarily on hold because the world is too wicked to recieve it). But all the animals are God’s creation, and birds fly in the sky, so they are obviously the closest to heaven. Besides, the scriptures say “behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? ” So if they can practice polygamy, is it really all that wrong for those FLDS guys in Texas? They are kind of Mormon, so they’ll be able to do it in heaven anyway, right? Plus, “birds” is a common slang term for women. Not that I condone the use of slang.
Whenever any potentially sinful thought even attempts to enter my head, I sing it away with a hymn. It’s like taking an empty cardboard toilet paper roll, and shoving dirty cotton balls in it, and then shoving clean ones in to get the dirty ones out. Except that I never put the dirty ones in in the first place.
Last night I heard a wise brother say a very wise thing. The first part of the discussion was about how much worse California Mormons are than Utah Mormons, which created a foolish debate not worthy of much consideration. Someone rebutted that there are more Mormons in California than in Utah, and at this point, the wise brother said, “well, I’m actually from Missouri, and there are hardly any Mormons there.”
Okay, lookit. We know for a fact that the resurrection is real, that the spirit will be reunited with the body and will live in some level of glory (depending on how good we have been) for ever and ever and ever. 
